So you’ve entered the world of D/s and FLR. That alone is new territory for most. You’ve already had to eschew a whole lot of societal norms to embrace what feels right to you — giving up power to a strong commanding woman. But now you’ve discovered there’s a whole other layer to this fascinating new way of being. Your Dominant either already has or wants a harem of subs, otherwise known as a stable.
Chances are you are already quite enraptured by your new Goddess. You feel like you’d do anything to please her. But how does sharing her time and affections with a group of other men (or men and women) feel to you? Are you a natural cuckold? Do you already feel inclined toward polyamory or non-monogamy? Or is this a real challenge? Can you learn to accept and even enjoy such an arrangement?
If ethical, she’s already been clear about her need and desire for more than one submissive and given you an idea of what this looks like for her. In harems of old, a household would include wives, concubines, and servants. There were internal hierarchies and specified roles, each serving the Sultan’s many needs. The women of a harem were ostensibly viewed as the Sultan’s property to be hidden away from other suitors or competitors to the Sultan’s ownership. They held a special place, protected.
But how can this model be carried over into female led relationships in a contemporary context where monogamy is the cultural norm? How do you deal with your own conditioning, your needs, and the potential judgement of those close to you?
Always remember that you have a choice. You can choose to be a willing part of this model, or leave it and carry on with a more mainstream or monogamous style of relationship with someone else should the harem arrangement make you unhappy. That’s a choice women never had in historical harems. It also makes your commitment and surrender all the more important and all the more appreciated and valued by your Domme. You are there because you worship and adore her and see her wants as priority, regardless of the ways in which you are accustomed to relationships taking shape.
First, why would a woman want more than one dedicated slave or sub? Sometimes she’s just wired that way. Keep in mind she has had to fight off her own share of social stigma, cultural programming, and complexities of her own emotions to come to a place where she knows this is what she truly wants. Having a collection of lovers and servants makes her feel good. Otherwise why bother going against the grain? It makes her feel fulfilled or it wouldn’t be worth it.
Every partner is different and every partner improves her life in new ways. Most provide emotional support and affection. Some are more romantic. Some have particular skills that make her life easier and more pleasant. Some meet her need for friendship and fun, and some fulfill specific kinks and sadistic desires. She may have a very high libido that craves variety. She may have a really active brain with many different interests that she’s found one partner can’t keep up with. She may also feel most comfortable in the role as a communal leader and like to be the head of her own little tribe. The matriarch in heart and soul. If you’ve met a woman willing and excited to take on this role, you’ve met a complex and energized magnetic person who thrives on worship and adoration and wants you to give it to her. A real Goddess!
Also remember that she is taking on a very large responsibility to be a good partner to several people! Ideally, she strives to truly understand you and to figure out how you best fit into her world. She is always examining your strengths and advising you on ways you can improve. She knows where the two of you connect well and she really wants you, or she would not have chosen you. A woman with a stable doesn’t really NEED more subs, but she’s seen something in you that she loves and wants in her life.
Women who are purely egotistical and narcissistic in a way that is harmful to others won’t keep a good harem for long. Subs will enter and leave with the shelf life or overripe fruit, and it won’t be for lack of trying to make it work on their part. If you find a good leader she will be very intentional and cultivate each relationship with care. She will see to it that her needs are met without ignoring yours.
There’s a difference between wanting to feel used, humbled and objectified (and having your Domme understand this deeply and construct your interactions to fulfill that need), and simply being forgotten as a human being. You’ll know the difference when you’re in it. “Mistress is looking at me like an object, a plaything, a slave,” feels nothing like “Mistress does not see me or even care that I exist.” You WANT to be a consensual slave or servant to her, you want to be seen by her in this way, and she is symbiotically fulfilling that desire.
From the outside, this can seem complicated given the unusual nature of D/s relationships. To understand, it can be helpful to look at the history of gurus in various Hindu sects. Followers come to a guru, drawn inexplicably to that magical something that pulls them in. They feel an energy, an electricity around this special person. Gurus tend to allow a select number of followers into their inner circle. The qualities of these followers are such that they support the guru’s vision and mission. They make the guru’s life better, easier, and more pleasant. And the guru recognizes these followers in such a way that makes it feel like a true blessing to be of service. The guru fulfills a deep need in them to be close to something sacred or divine, and as a result, their selflessness gives them joy and ecstasy. It’s the ecstatic love of the disciple. It gives life purpose. This is the same way a good Domme will inspire her stable of subs. Through a real love and affection between worshipper and the Goddess incarnate.
Potential roles.
I mentioned that in the original harems there were wives, concubines, and servants. The harem was a sacred container of this collective, all of whom lived for the benefit of the Sultan. In a contemporary stable, subs may have varied roles. Some may be focused on domestic service. Others will be more like sex toys, or enjoy the sadistic impulses of the Domme. Some will be like beloved pets, playful and affectionate. Some will be the builders and fix-it types, others more like executive assistants. And these roles may overlap and evolve with time. A good leader will be able to see your strengths and play to them, and steer you toward a sense of usefulness.
What are your rights within the stable?
Does a slave have rights? Yes, in fact, as a CONSENSUAL slave, you do have some basic rights when serving in a D/s relationship of any kind. The ultimate right is your right to leave the relationship should you become unhappy or feel unwanted. If the relationship no longer feels right, or if you feel it’s veered into a kind abusiveness that you don’t consent to or sign up for, and you’ve tried to have your concerns addressed with no success, by all means, get out!
The rest of your rights are a matter of my opinion, and there may be Dommes who disagree with me. But I think that a stable can only be a happy stable with these rights in place. You have a right to your Domme’s time and attention. Unless it’s something you’ve negotiated, being ignored or dismissed on a regular basis is not a real relationship. You also have a right to what I call “couch time” or what others might call “porch time.” This is a time when you can sit together with your Domme and check in. The power dynamic is softened and you can bring up things that may be bothering you or concerning you. You have a right to be heard and acknowledged in this context, even if your dynamic doesn’t allow it at other times.
You have a right to not be harassed or undermined by other members of the stable or house. Sometimes, especially among a group of men, egos can get in the way, competitiveness can take root, and jealousy rears its ugly head. Treat your fellow stablemates as brothers, and expect the same. Sometimes brothers have disagreements, but they should be handled as reasonable adults, not bratty little boys. Practice non-violent communication, and try to see the emotional need behind any confrontational behavior. Try to be a good friend to your Domme’s other subs. You have a right to be treated as a friend.
One way a Dominant can better facilitate the integration of a new member into an existing house or stable is to have a little welcome gathering, and perhaps organize some kind of ritual where all members pledge to treat him as an ally and comrade in pleasing the Mistress and making her life easier. Making this promise in front of your Domme will help point everyone in the right direction.
You also have a right to have your life. You have a right to keep the people who are important to you close to you. A Domme who isolates you from family and friends (without first negotiating to do so for a set amount of time), is not totally secure in her power. She may fear that your loved ones will take you away from her. This is not a healthy approach. Be wary. Some members of a stable may even maintain a vanilla marriage in some cases. Anything is possible when the Goddess allows. Your focus can remain on her, even while you maintain your human existence.
Remember that your surrender to your Mistress should make you feel fulfilled and useful. This is another one of my opinions which may draw some disagreement. However, I feel that if your Domme becomes constantly critical of everything you do and how you do it, something is off. She has every right to demand and expect excellence, but if you are performing at your very best and still feel like you are never pleasing her, you may need to address this with her. You have a right to constructive feedback. When your purpose is to please, you need to be given instructions on how to make that happen. You may learn to anticipate her preferences, but even a good servant should not be expected to read minds.
What are your responsibilities to your Dominant and to the stable?
Your responsibilities are many in a stable, as they are in any D/s relationship. You must be responsible for making sure that you clearly understand what’s expected of you. Ask questions, clarify, and communicate when you are unsure. When given rules and routines, memorize them and follow them. If one person is slacking off, the duties of one sub could fall on others and that’s not going to make anyone happy. Strive to be your best self, and be the best servant to your Goddess as you can possibly be.
Help your brothers and other members of the house when they need you. Generate good will. Remember you all have one purpose and that is to please and serve Her. You are all together in this, and she chose each of youfor a reason. Try not to question that.
Stable members should try to work out personal differences between one another before bothering their Mistress with petty squabbles. And don’t be impatient or needy. Remember your Domme is running an entire house and is doing her best to make sure it goes smoothly. Understand that Dominant Women are also not perfect. They make mistakes. They get sick, exhausted, distracted with life’s troubles. Try not to be one of those troubles. Be gentle and compassionate in your approach. And keep your service oriented nature at front and center. She knows you are also not perfect, and if you make her happy she’ll extend the same courtesy and understanding to you. This is not to say you won’t be disciplined and punished as needed. But a pleased Domme makes for a happier house and happier subs.
Always admit when you make a mistake. Remember that Mistress is usually right. Be humble, and even if you don’t think her way is the best or most efficient way, it’s HER way. That’s what counts. If you mess up, apologize.
Your main responsibility is to see to it that your Mistress is energized by you and your interactions. You should never drag her down and wear her out. She should be able to count on you to make her world feel right, even when everything else is going wrong. You do this by being a good communicator, focusing on your love and devotion, trusting her, and keeping your purpose in mind at all times.
Potential personal hurdles.
One hurdle some subs will face is the question of how to introduce close friends and family to a relationship that’s so out of the ordinary. Especially when you are completely and totally in love with your Goddess and never plan to leave her. Like anything in the realm of BDSM, be sure not to involve people in your D/s dynamic without their consent. That means you shouldn’t be expected to be naked in a collar eating from a dog bowl at a dinner with your family. But beyond that, talk to your Domme about how to present yourselves together as a couple in vanilla situations. There may be subtle undetectable protocols that will just come off as politeness and good manners in the eyes of the unknowing, and help you maintain that subbie feeling.
If you move in with your Domme and want to be able to have friends over, you may have to come out as a member of a D/s household. That will take some explaining, but all you can do is hope that those who know you well will see your happiness and respond with acceptance. Be brave, and don’t let societal expectations get you down. They know you’re different. You know you’re different. Own it.
Jealousy is another one of those personal hurdles you may need to overcome. Again, the societal norm for most of us is that of monogamous coupling. Anything outside of that is all about blazing our own paths, and deprogramming ourselves from the homogeneity we grew up within. My boy Drum and I share an inside joke. When I talk to him about my interest in a new sub, his response is “I don’t experience sexual jealousy.” We both know that’s not entirely true, but it’s our way of poking fun at what is nothing more than a bit of discomfort that is easily remedied with good communication and lots of love. He once became jealous of my vibrator, in fact, because we had to be away from each other for a long period of time and he missed sexually servicing me. There’s always something else behind jealous feelings. Jealousy within a fully consensual non-monogamous relationship has little to do with the possessiveness associated with monogamous patriarchal relationships.
Scheduling and logistics is the most practical hurdle you may need to jump. The more people involved the trickier it becomes coordinating so that everyone gets time with the Goddess. In traditionally polyandrous relationships like those in Tibet, the brothers all take turns spending private time with their one wife on a regular predictable schedule and this helps stave off conflict. Just remember to make your relationship a priority and be as flexible as humanly possible and it can all be worked out. Respect her moods and preferences, and if you’re ever feeling left out, make sure you communicate about that during your “couch time.” And during the times when you are not with your Mistress, make sure your life is filled with things that make you happy. Spend time with friends, or do activities that you enjoy, so that you don’t stew in loneliness. Subs who can be independent on their off time are usually best suited for life in a stable.
With a good, clear headed Dominant who acts as a strong leader, living in a harem or stable can be quite an amazing experience akin to having a chosen family or tribe. You can all be the worker bees living to buzz around your Queen. And when you see her in this light — as the matriarch, the guru, the boss — you won’t be able to help but admire her power.