What are we really talking about in D/s?
Often when thinking about their own preferences, I’ve noticed people can find the whole world of power play confusing. This is because in BDSM we often use words interchangeably. Sometimes we mean bottom when we say submissive and sometimes we mean service top when we say dominant. We talk about doing and being done, but we rarely talk about where our attention lands, which is an important component to all of this. So in order to provide clarity I have broken up power play into three interacting dynamics.
1.) The Authority Dynamic — the spectrum of authorship.
Who makes the rules, writes the scripts, decides the goals, and whose desires are leading the dynamic?
The spectrum is from Dominant to Submissive. The Dominant person has Authority. The Submissive person supports the Dominant person’s Authority and her goals, fulfills her desires to the best of his ability and within his limits, and follows her rules and scripts. He aims to please. And pleasing gives him a sense of pleasure and purpose.
I call this a spectrum because Authority does not always have to be absolute and power play can be collaborative. But the closer you both get to the center line between Dominant and Submissive, the less power is at play. Exciting power symbiosis is rarely totally equal. And the more polarity the more electricity you can generate, in my opinion.
TPE, or total power exchange is when this D/s dynamic is absolute and unchanging. Each party occupies the opposite end of the spectrum for the entire interaction and often the entire relationship. I am a full time Dominant. It is my personal preference to remain on the Dominant end of the spectrum at all times, regardless of what’s happening with the following two dynamics.
The other two dynamics are more like switches that can flip in one direction or the other:
2.) The Attention Dynamic — This dynamic is either Inward or Outward and can shift throughout an interaction. It works most harmoniously when one person has attention Out (on the other) and the other person has attention In (on the self). There are clashes when both parties are Outward and lack of connection when both are Inward. And occupying a space in between Inward and Outward is a fog — it creates confusion for the mind and body.
3.) The Action Dynamic — This is either Top or Bottom. The Top is the doer, the one acting upon the Bottom. The Bottom is in a surrendered state, experiencing or receiving the action. The Bottom is not always passive, but is always the object of the interaction. Top and Bottom can switch back and forth within the course of one encounter and/or throughout the course of a relationship. This concept can also be taken to its deepest and most pronounced levels in predator/prey or sadist/masochist style dynamics.
EXAMPLES
Most of the time Action follows Attention — one Tops with Outward Attention on the other person, watching how one’s Actions land in them, and one Bottoms with Inward Attention, floating in the inner space of one’s own sensations and emotions. That’s typically the smoothest trajectory of Attention becoming Action. But not always. Sometimes it’s a bit more… flippy. A Top in flow mode might slip easily back and forth between Inward and Outward attention, for example. Turning attention from their own performance (attention on self) to the Bottom’s reactions (attention on others). As a rule, a Bottom experiencing “subspace” is by definition occupying an intensely Inward attention dynamic, and in such a situation the Top needs to be Outwardly focussed on the Bottom in order to properly hold them within that experience. However, at other times a Bottom might also experience Outward attention, admiring the skill and techniques of the Top, for example, more focussed on the Top’s presence than on their own feelings.
So, how does this play out? On one extreme you can be a Dominant Top, doing things to a Submissive Bottom, maintaining Outward attention, focussed on the responses of your Bottom, playing them like a well tuned instrument. You know what you want to see and feel in the scenario, and you create it by maintaining control and mastery at all times — the artist, and the shaman. Or vice versa: you can be a Submissive Bottom, surrendering to the whims of the Dominant Top and totally letting go to them, falling deep into subspace within yourself, Inward focussed, fully receiving whatever sensations and emotions that come. You also want to be the perfect blank canvas, pleasing to your Dominant, so they can see how well their Actions are being received.
Or you can be a Dominant Bottom, who wants to have a very specific experience, so you give the Submissive Top (or Service Top as they are sometimes called) the instructions and keys to get you there. In reverse, you allow the Bottom to instruct you on how to best Top them, and your Attention is Outward on them, fulfilling their Dominant need to feel safe and in control of the overall scenario, while still letting go in the moment.
In another scenario you might be the Dominant designer of a scenario where you want to watch a Submissive (Service) Top perform in a skillful way on you… doing body mods, for example or binding you with rope… you may want to praise them and be in awe of their talents, and give Outward attention to their performance. You are both Dominant and Outwardly focussed while you are the canvas or medium to their actions. Or you might be the Service Top who wants to have your performance observed and judged, and to know when you have truly pleased the Dominant.
These three dynamics can play in many different ways, creating many different effects based on the core motivations, needs and wants of both parties.
Just a Note About Containers in Power Play: Containers for power play are very important. These can be an agreement with set limits and expectations for a play scene that lasts an hour, or they can be a week long, year long or even a lifelong contract for what is expected, the boundaries that are set, and plans for how conflict will be dealt with.
Explicit consent and clear communication and negotiation are what make these dynamics work their magic and bring us excitement and pleasure. Remember my motto: The only legitimate authority is that to which you consent with open eyes and an open heart.